Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Balcony

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

I woke up beside an elephant. ...

I woke up beside an elephant. Man did I feel trunk last night.

Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

A married couple were having a...

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."

To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

Where are the monkeys?

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

Signs And Notices 21

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

Top reason for sleep

"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

"I was working smarter-not harder."

"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"I'm in the management training program."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

Ryan Hamilton: Crazy Car Dealerships

Car dealerships are the craziest. These people throw a party. Did you ever notice that? They get the streamers out. They got balloons up like theyre conducting weather experiments or something. They got the search lights out there like Batmans gonna show up and apply for credit. Theyre giving away free hot dogs like its no big deal. Yeah, Ill take a $25,000 automobile if you throw in a hot dog. You bet I will.

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

Three Aussie guys were working...

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Hillary Clinton and her driver...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow.'

Sex in Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.
A policeman stopped them and told them theyd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, JESUS SAVES.
One of the girls asked the cop, Why dont you stop them?
Well, thats a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains to religion.
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.

The key

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

The difference between theo...

The difference between theory and experiment

A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, I'm looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.

After a time he asked, "Are you sure you lost them here?"

"Of course not" replied the theoretician. "But at least there's light here."