Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 September 2010

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Did Genghis Khan sleep his way...

Did Genghis Khan sleep his way to the top?

Q. How do you make holy water?...

Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.

New Bra

A scientist f...

New Bra

A scientist from Queens University in Kingston has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the shit out of him.

Traffic court...

A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Knock Knock Collection 164

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherwood!
Sherwood who!
Sherwood like to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shirley!
Shirley who?
Shirley you must know me by now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sicily!
Sicily who?
Sicily question!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sid!
Sid who!
Sid down and have a cup of tea!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Simon!
Simon who?
Simon the dotted line!

Lorena and Monica

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are

opening a hair salon?

They're calling it "Cut & Blow"

Kyle Grooms: Black Family Skiing

My mother... would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s -- brothers werent skiing, man. People didnt know what we were coming down the mountain. Theyd be looking up, confused, Oh my God, are those bears? I think I see bears skiing down the mountain! Huh, theyre African Americans trying something new. Whats next -- golf?

The Perfect Man
The ...

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

Top 10 Mom Scoldings in the Bible

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion, you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with that string! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you, never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them. Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door! You think you were born in a barn.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Middle age crisis...

...

Middle age crisis...

Ben bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car.

Problem - thought Ben, and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Blonde Laugh

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday!

The chief of staff of the US A...

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster, walked up to them.

The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills do you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you know how to do?"

Again the lad replies, "I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it. I have to chop it before he can pile it.