Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Bumper Stickers

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Are you stoned or just stupid?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

If you live in North Korea, do...

If you live in North Korea, don't mock Kim Jong-il's nuclear ambitions: it means dis missile.

Why is the mistletoe hanging o...

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

No-Excuse Sunday

* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
* There will be a section with lounge chairs for those who feel our pews are too hard.
* We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."
* Blankets will be provided for those who think, "The church is too hot."
* Fans will be provided for those who think, "The church is too cold."
* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
* One section will have trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
* The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page.

Lengthy sermons...

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.

Kristian Vallee: Disgruntled Student

I had a kid who threatened to kill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing Kill Mr. Vallee in his weekly planner in the section labeled Weekly Goals and Objectives. And the school was freakin out. They didnt know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and Im like, Why? This kid hasnt met any goals in his objectives all year.

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A man placed some flowers o...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A cou...

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno

A psychiatrist was conducting ...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

How does the spoiled little ri...

How does the spoiled little rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I need a new apartment."

Do you know what happens if yo...

Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed!
Tony White, Loanhead

Express Degree

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said.

"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Programmers and Light Bulb

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, thats a hardware problem.