Jokes of the day for Sunday, 24 October 2010

Passing Gas

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

Being a child actor is a medic...

Being a child actor is a medical syndrome, specifically, a cute condition.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Offi...

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Making Comparisons

In Heaven:

1. The cooks are French,
   
2. The policemen are English,
   
3. The mechanics are German,
   
4. The lovers are Italian,
   
5. The bankers are Swiss.
   

In Hell:

1. The cooks are English,
   
2. The policemen are German,
   
3. The mechanics are French,
   
4. The lovers are Swiss,
   
5. The bankers are Italian.
   

In Computer Heaven:

1. The management is from Intel,
   
2. The design and construction is done by Apple,
   
3. The marketing is done by Microsoft,
   
4. IBM provides the support,
   
5. Gateway determines the pricing.
   

In Computer Hell:

1. The management is from Apple,
   
2. Microsoft does design and construction,
   
3. IBM handles the marketing,
   
4. The support is from Gateway,
   
5. Intel sets the price.
   

Business one-liners 47

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

Dwayne Perkins: Awakened in a Hotel Lobby

I was like, Damn, do I look homeless? But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you dont look that homeless. You dont stink yet, your hairs not matted down, you dont have the imaginary friend -- its day one.

Ready… Aim...

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.
They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.
Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”

A lady is walking down the str...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."

A woman was very distraught at...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Two avid fishermen go on a fis...

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

A man with no arms and no legs...

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS ...

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Chastity Belt

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

TEACHER: What do you call a pe...

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPILS: A teacher.