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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Two rather old retired racehor...

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Donation

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #61 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A Joke for Kids

Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?

A: Because he was first in the human race.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (33)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Funny video of the day Tuesday, 28 December 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

My wife and I were happy for t...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
#joke
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - New Parents

New Parents | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Eugene Mirman: Pineapple Dog House Red

I dont speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library? -- no problem.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

Any little ones yet?

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody \candle out!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

New secretary

The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

#joke #lawyer
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (10)



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Mommy mommy 02
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 February 2010
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (54)

An Incredible Inventor


He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 June 2009
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teach...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 December 2009
  • Currently 6.19/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (47)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

... Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 December 2009
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

Room 8

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks,

"Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but

be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room

8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms

for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass

room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and

they think they're the only ones here.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 December 2009
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

Dentistry At It's Best

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Liver and cheese....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

#joke
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

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