Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 January 2011

Breaking The Silence

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:

"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."

The Wedding at Cana proved that Jesus was a wine/eau.

#joke #short #wedding

After Florida coach Steve Spur...

After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.

Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"

The Biology Song 06

O Humid Night
(Melody: "O Holy Night")
O Humid Night
Anopheline mosquitoes
Are circling you in the hope of a meal.
She takes a bite, saliva from her mouthparts
Drool parasites which you can't see or feel
Your brain can get sick,
You will have a coma
After the rage and the headaches have passed
You're veggie soup, home to protozoa,
Mosquito lands, time to go home at last..
Fall on your knees,
Pale, burning with fever
Plasmodia
Are in your blood, were in your spleen
Malaria
There's no real cure, just in your dreams...

Farmers Courting

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

Pete Lee: Materialistic Girlfriend

I have a girlfriend. The only thing I dont like about her is that shes super materialistic... So we go out on this date the other night. The first thing she says to me -- no kiss hello, no nothing -- she just goes, Well, I wanna see how much money you can spend in a night, mister. So, I took her to a strip club.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

What did Bill Gates' wife say ...

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft

A female TV reporter from RTE ...

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

Black Fellah to White Fella...

Black Fellah to White Fellah
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!

A deaf mute walks into pharmac...

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Answering Machine Message 71

Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Halls Of Justice

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"