Jokes of the day for Saturday, 22 January 2011

The Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Q. What did one strawberry say...

Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?
A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"

Helpful Priest?

A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child’s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

Little Johnny comes running in...

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,

"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Kittens....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Knock Knock Collection 112

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Kyoto!
Kyoto who?
Kyoto jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laos!
Laos who?
Laos and found!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lauren!
Lauren who?
Lauren order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Laverne!
Laverne who?
Laverne of catastrophe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Leaf!
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

That big ape

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas

and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive

erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes

off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached

into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the

cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla

threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man

was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the

hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you

be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

Tom Segura: Girls in Atlantic City

Every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blonde streaks. Which, either way, says: I dont have a gag reflex.

A man went to the dentist to g...

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.
While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex lately?"
The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually.
How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"
The dentist says, "No, not quite.
You've got some shit on the end of your nose!"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

A man walks in a bank, pulls o...

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

Saying prayers...

Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

You Might Be A Redneck If 10

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival

Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival

1. Masai Graham:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.

2. Mark Simmons:
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

3. Olaf Falafel:
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

4. Hannah Fairweather:
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.

5. Will Mars:
I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

6. Olaf Falafel:
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

7. Richard Pulsford:
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

8. Tim Vine:
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

9. Sophie Duker:
Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.

10. Will Duggan:
I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.