Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 March 2011

Some great things about getting older...

Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.

There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be.

Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.

You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.

No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.

You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.

Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible.

You don't have to bother planting perennials.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

The unhappy bride came with a ...

The unhappy bride came with a quite a doury.

You Don't Need to Be a Weather...

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

Died Suddenly

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,
"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

Paddy and Mick were approachin...

Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smouldering ruins and across the pavement before them.

Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"

"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was taller than that."

The Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

10 Things Men Know About Women

10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.) They have breasts.

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Little Johnny's preschool clas...

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile s...

Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich . . . and make it snappy!

I Get No Respect 04

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet."

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, ...

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".