Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 August 2011

Mark Gross: Can You Help?

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.

On a NUDE beach

A man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!


Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that :P

Doctor, you were right when yo...

Doctor, you were right when you said you�d have me on my feet and walking in no time.

That�s good John; when did you start walking?

When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.

Math test

Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joe, “Remember when you told me you'd give me 20 dollars if I passed my math test?”

Dad nodded.

“Well, the good news is that I just saved you 20 bucks.”

Those who say they can't...

Those who say they can't stop don't really know what's pause-able.

Doctor, you were right when yo...

Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.
That’s good John; when did you start walking?
When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.

Q: What do you call a woman th...

Q: What do you call a woman that can iron with one foot, cook a meal with her right hand, vacuum with her other foot and masturbate you with her left hand.

A: A Swiss Army Wife.

If you love something....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Virginia Crazy Law

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

It is illegal to tickle women.

Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. (Repealed)

You may not work on Sunday. (Repealed)

Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.

It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.

There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."

Police radar detectors are illegal.

It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. (Repealed)

You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. (Repealed)

You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. (Passed in 1975, repealed in 1977)

Culpeper

No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.

Dayton

A person of color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.

Lebanon

It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Norfolk

Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.

Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

Richmond

It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.

Stafford County

It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.

Victoria

It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.

Virginia Beach

It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.

If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's.

It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.

It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.

Waynesboro

It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

#joke #policeman #halloween #animal #mule #drinks #coffee #wine #beer

Pee in Church

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Church Cake!

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

The Wedding

Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate

When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

1-iron

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

The Twelve Bugs Of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.