Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 January 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 January 2012 |
Good jokes-Attitude toward whisky
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,...
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.If College Students Wrote the Bible:
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
The Golden Saloon...
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
honest lawyer
Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"asked his friend.
"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".
Marriage Problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
Top 10 things that sound dirty...
Top 10 things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't...10. "Talk about a huge breasts!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
Natasha Leggero: Male Comics
Male comics are always coming up to me, and theyre like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think youre a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Dont you think youre a little ugly to be talking to me? There was a beautiful young bl...
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
Nursery school teacher says to...
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
An Apocalyptic One-Liner
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.
Women and Men...
WOMENWomen are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
Two Boll Weevils
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
