Jokes of the day for Thursday, 22 March 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 22 March 2012 |
Two brothers were always getti...
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood.The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys.
So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.
The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first.
The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.
The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.
Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?"
The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boys face and asks again, "Where is God?"
The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door.
The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"
His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"
The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
Letter to Company
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.
“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minut...
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.Guy: Haven’t I seen you somep...
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
A man goes into a pet shop and...
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
Oldest profession....
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
Show-and-Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
A small boy is sent to bed by ...
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad""What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."Top 10 Reasons You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Sunday prayer...
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:
"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.
Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Finally he got to the food.
"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."
And then he paused.
The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.
Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Say What
When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"
Five year old Little Johnny wa...
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A visit with Grandpa
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
