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Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 July 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 July 2012

Really funny jokes-Principles of Household Physics

10 Principles of Household Physics
You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:
1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.
5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.
7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.
10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (48)

Two piggies walk into a bar, g...

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?"

The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?"

The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit.

"Hey, buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - It is just too hot

It is just too hot - go to shade | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (11)

When Chuck Norris goes to dona...

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.93/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (14)

A cannibal entered the meat ma...

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
#joke #food #dinner #meat
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.87/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (15)

Company picnic...

A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (9)

Candidate Clinton vs. President Clinton

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class

President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security

President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts

President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes

President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts

President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one

President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires

President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000

President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters

President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining

President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage

President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same

Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti

President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti.

Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992

"I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts with a tax cut on the middle class."

Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992

"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic strategy."

President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993

"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that."

President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993

"I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can't."

Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992

"The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."

President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993

"We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (17)

Repair Estimate

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually it's my boss's idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (12)

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Hes like, Hey, man, where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And then hes like, No, I mean where are you really from? Which, for those of you who dont know, thats code for, No, I mean, why arent you white?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 November 2010
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (53)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Repaying a Debt

The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.
She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.
"No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."
She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"

#joke #food #olive
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 March 2009
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (24)

Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 July 2011
  • Currently 2.92/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (62)

Odd Rabbi Out

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 July 2009
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (52)

How The Blonde Broker Her Arm

Q: How did the blonde break her arm?

A: she fell out of a tree while she was raking leaves.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 July 2011
  • Currently 4.59/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (49)

My Dad Scribbles

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 July 2011
  • Currently 5.42/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (43)

Sheng Wang: Fear of Rats

I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats. I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. One night I was walking home really late, I walked past this huge pile of garbage. And inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. I was so frightened, my only thought was, Oh my god, I hope thats a baby. Please be a toddler in that bag. Thats how much I hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.
#joke #animal #rat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 July 2011
  • Currently 2.58/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (19)

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