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Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 September 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 28 September 2012

Short funny jokes-Scared of water

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

If Only...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

#joke #animal #cat #beaver
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Bar Analogies

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

Bar_Shots_011

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

#joke #drinks #whiskey
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Pizza chopsticks

Pizza chopsticks - Proper way to eat pizza | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Chuck Norris and Superman once...

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (8)

my boobs

(do this on your calculator.) one day there was a Blonde who thought her boobs were 2 2 big so she went to 37th street to building number 8 and talked to Dr. double 00. She left building number eight to find she was boobless. ( turn calculator upside down to see boobless)

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

A vertically challenged psychi...

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

#joke #mother
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (41)

Patton Oswalt: Romantic Comedies

Every romantic comedy should just be called, Trying to F**k.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 3.98/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (54)

Now that we are into renaming ...

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (8)

Stuff Happens

Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 April 2010
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (46)

An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
#joke #animal #parrot #fruit #orange
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 December 2009
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (82)

Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?

There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

Submitted by Curtis

Editted by Tantilazing

Reniewed by Calamjo

#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #peach
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (62)

Chuck Norris' first job was as...

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 2.95/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (60)

Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone

You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 5.41/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (46)

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 September 2010
  • Currently 6.16/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (45)

Answering Machine Message 233


(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 September 2010
  • Currently 2.78/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (23)

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