Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 January 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 January 2013 |
Golf pro
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said: "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.
Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I have been in many places, bu...
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in many places, bu...
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
Drunk on a bus
A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.
"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"
The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"
Voodoo
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".
Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."
The Secret to Making Women Happy
Q: Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
A: No, neither did I.
Man-guage
A guide to man language“I'M GOING FISHING” Means: “I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT'S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn't dinner already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
“I CAN'T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.”
“I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
Rainbows are what happens when...
Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.Afraid of the Dark
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A frog walks into a bank. He g...
A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!" Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"
Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
In the Beginning…
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
A man walks in a bank, pulls o...
A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"
The Sparrow
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
That big ape
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillasand after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive
erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes
off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the
cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla
threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man
was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the
hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you
be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."
Saying prayers...
Every evening, a mother and her young son, knelt down beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night, obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake......can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"
