Jokes of the day for Sunday, 31 March 2013

Harlem does the Chuck Norris s...

Harlem does the Chuck Norris shake.

Wrong wish

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Bulk mail...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Problems Remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

A variation

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

“My cartography job i...

“My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.”

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

Front Lawn

These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.

So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Editted by Curtis

So this sardarji is walking th...

So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road.
Can you guess what he might be thinking??
Saala aaj bhi girna padega!!!

Three old ladies are sitting i...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

A Meeting With the Board

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

Homework Help

Parents are expected to participate in their children’s education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever he’s stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. “Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework,” he announced. “You made one, Dad made one and I made one!”

A very drunk gent checked into...

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."