Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 June 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 13 June 2013 |
Delirious
Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.
Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.
Hilarious jokes-Finding a race winner
The geneticist reported, "I've considered all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back several decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors to arrive at a definite conclusion."
The physiologist reported, "I've checked muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but it seems to be too complex. It is too difficult to predict a winner."
Finally, it is the physicist's turn who seems to be very relaxed and reports while handing an index card to the billionaire. "There you are," he says "I've found an equation that can identify a winning horse."
"Great!" exclaims the billionaire, "Do you want cheque or cash?"
"Err...there's one little thing that you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse running in a vacuum."
“I was caught studyin...
“I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake.”
Three moms
Three moms, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde, get together one afternoon.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
A little girl was talking to h...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Two bachelors...
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
Elephant Jokes 03
What' s grey, has four legs and jumps up and down?
An elephant on a trampoline!
What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!
What's grey and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine!
What's grey and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!
What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant!
What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?
An elephant on roller skates!
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!
Reaching the end of a job inte...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Chuck Norris is the only perso...
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
A little head
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
Chuck Norris once round-house ...
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.Porch or Lexus?
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"$50" she replies
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."
