Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 June 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 June 2013 |
Funny jokes-Strange name
Naomi explained, "Well, my baby was born prematurely and had to stay in the special nursery. She was very sick and they were not sure if she would survive. I couldn't decide what name to give her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew what they had named my baby."
Viagra...
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Rabbi on Vacation
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years ofservice by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on
the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is
your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with
you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where
are you going? I'm not angry at you."
“When the wino suspec...
“When the wino suspected his muscatel was watered down, he needed more proof.”
Business One-liners 48
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Second-hand goods
A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"
"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."
Reaching the end of a job inte...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse k...
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.Before he forgot a gift for Ch...
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water
How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. God Takes a Holiday
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
Sue Over The Property
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Six months to live
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
