Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 August 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 August 2013 |
A Chuck Norris edition of Clue...
A Chuck Norris edition of Clue was to be released, but the answer was always: "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."Cool Cat
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
Two men are drinking in a bar....
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.Humor About St. Patricks Day
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
A gift for his lady
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday.As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
A passenger in a taxi leaned o...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
What is sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."Pete Lee: Making Love in a Car Wash
I was reading this article the other day, and it said, The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash. Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. Its also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser. Internet can get worse
Top ten ways the Internet could get worse
10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
8. Home shopping "network".
7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
3. Gameboy web browsers.
2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:
1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"
BEFORE AND AFTER
A ma...
BEFORE AND AFTERA man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
