Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 08 January 2014

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!

“I wanted to bring a ...

“I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.”

A man goes on a 2-month busine...

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Kittens....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

The Twelve Days of Windows 95

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

9 apps a crashin'

8 megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

12 illegal operations

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 95 for my PC

Dog Dancer

Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?

A: They have two left feet.

Chuck Norris knows what the do...

Chuck Norris knows what the double rainbow means.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Request Before Death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

Black Fellah to White Fella...

Black Fellah to White Fellah
Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!

Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

Ice isn't frozen water, it's w...

Ice isn't frozen water, it's water that is scared stiff by Chuck Norris.

Knock Knock Collection 026

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bitter Bianca!
Bitter Bianca who?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bjorn!
Bjorn who?
Bjorn Free!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bo!
Bo who?
Bo Geste!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bolivia!
Boliva who?
Boliva me, I know what I'm talking about!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bologna!
Bologna who?
Bologna & cheese!