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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 January 2014

News headlines 01

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

#joke #policeman #animal #panda
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

“What is it called wh...

“What is it called when Legolas takes his own picture? An elfie.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Adult jokes-Focus


Anna and Elsa are two Swedish maids who go to the market to get their photograph taken.

Anna asks Elsa, "Why is this guy looking at us in a strange way?"

Elsa said, "He needs to focus."

"Really?" says Anna, "but you tell him he should take the photograph first."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Pickup truck overload?

Pickup truck overload? - Or they should put a couple more | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

On the first day of college, t...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Cannibal jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......

What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......

What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.......

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'

#joke #food #dinner #pizza #dessert #chocolate #eating #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Jason Kuller: Penal Enlargement

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Chuck Norris was banned from c...

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 December 2011
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (66)

The Technical Geek Test


Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

#joke #fruit #apple #divorce
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2010
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (12)

Plaster of Parish

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 January 2009
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (40)

Paper-Eating Dog

A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

#joke #animal #dog #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 January 2012
  • Currently 7.15/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (40)

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 January 2010
  • Currently 7.36/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (11)

A man gets pulled over by the ...

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 January 2010
  • Currently 4.18/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (11)

Dressed as El Niño

Dressed as "El Niño" for Halloween
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Five Rules For Men

Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,* * who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you* * laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust* * and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed* * and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women* * do not know each other.*
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 January 2010
  • Currently 8.27/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (11)

When you

When you become really close to someone, you can hear their voice in your head when you read their texts.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games. Sajt vise ne radi
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

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