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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 April 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 April 2014

Funny reply

Tom is flirting with Gina. Tom says, "Guess what? They made changes in the alphabets? They put U and I together."

Gina says with a smirk, "Tell me Tom, how many times did you fail in Nursery class?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

85 Years Old

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

#joke
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #3 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Y2K Solution...

Memo:To all employees
Subject:Increased productivity

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or
software applications support.(See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many
sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support :

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

#joke #december
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

Good To Be Canadian


Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian

  1. It beats being an American.
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
  9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

You might be a redneck if 54

You might be a reneck if...

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.

You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

You've ever been given a gun as a present.

Flannel is your favorite color.

You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

#joke #christmas
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Pig-ipede

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“A curling iron is a ...

“A curling iron is a permanent solution to a hairy problem.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

After the christening of his b...

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 September 2012
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Paper beats rock, rock beats s...

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 October 2011
  • Currently 3.51/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (59)

Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 April 2010
  • Currently 8.28/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (40)

Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 April 2011
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (38)

Oh, yeah?

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 April 2009
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (30)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 34


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 April 2011
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (25)

Greg Fitzsimmons: Definition of Debt

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 April 2012
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (16)

We work by results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

#joke
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

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