Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 May 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 03 May 2014 |
Five Pounds of Fat
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good to a man?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Broke bicycle
Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.
Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"
"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."
Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.
So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"
Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"
Stay Over One Night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.
They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
White hair
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Chuck Norris won't fight Justi...
Chuck Norris won't fight Justin Bieber because he doesn't hit girls.I Dare You
At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
Too Many
So once there was an Chinese man, A mexican, and an american all in the same plane. Now the chinese man Takes a pair of chopstickes and throws them out of the window.
Then he claims "We have too many of those in my country!".
Then the mexican grabs his salsa, throws it out the window and says "We have to many of these in my country!".
Then the american picks up the mexican and throws him out of the window and claims "We have to many of these in my country!".
Two Kinds of People
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
Lesbian Diet
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
Contrary to popular belief, Am...
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.Pig In A Bar
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Anagrams
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em
Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's
A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Outdoorsy Man
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
