Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 May 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 May 2014 |
Black Eyes
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Whatsapp blunder
George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night, when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "
George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.
A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.
"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."
It is truly said that children...
It is truly said that children brighten a home - they never turn the lights off.Old hockey injury
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television...."
Dog Jokes 03
Q: What is a dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!
Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A: A Great Dane out!
Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
A: "I must throw that doggie out the window!"
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!
Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!
Q: What is a dog's favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!
Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!
Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!
Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!
Headache
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since he was young.Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirin.
Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirin, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
James Cameron wanted Chuck Nor...
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.When the Circus Is in Town
The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession.
The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves.
Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Blaise CP
Chuck Norris is not his full n...
Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him."What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
No seat on train
A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”.
The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” .
The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks back up to the lady and says “please, ma’am, may I have your seat. I am very tired.” .
The woman says “how inconsiderate of you to ask me again” the man then calmly walks up and throws the dog out of the train window and sits dow. The woman starts screaming and demanding that the man be punished
, her husband walks up and says “you Americans are doing everything wrong
you drive on the wrong side of the road
you use the wrong utensils to eat,
and now
you’ve thrown the wrong bit** out of the window.”
Two doctors were in a hospital...
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy."She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
