Jokes of the day for Saturday, 14 June 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 14 June 2014 |
A compliment....
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
Identify The Problem
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
Business one-liners 18
By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.
A panda walks into a bar, sits...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
Saddam Hussein was not found h...
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle
Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual. No Wool Downstairs
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
Howard is 95 and lives in a se...
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!!"
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Auto-correct walks into a bar...
Auto-correct walks into a bar
And the batman says, "why the log fence?"
On the first day of school...
On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”
