Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 June 2014

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Q: Why did the toilet paper ro...

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: To get to the bottom.

“The best street for ...

“The best street for locating a gas station is Fillmore Avenue.”

Grandma Loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

...

USEFUL WORK PHRASES


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
nervously, and change the subject.

Knock Knock Collection 033

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cathy!
Cathyl who?
Cathy the the doorbell, it's too dark out here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cecil!
Cecil who?
Cecil have music whereever she goes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cecile!
Cecile who?
Cecile this envelope!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Celery!
Celery who?
Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Celeste!
Celeste who?
Celeste time I'm going to tell you this!

How do you Catch a Squirrel?

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

Love at first sight

Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Every time an Indian walks int...

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

vampire lesbians

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.

Chuck Norris can win at solita...

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Immaculate Misconception

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What happened?" asks the priest.

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

A young woman had severe PMS...

A young woman had severe PMS, so she asked a friend to recommend a gynecologist. "I know a great one," the friend said, "but he's very expensive. He charges $500 for the first visit and $150 for each visit after that."
The woman went to see the gynecologist. Trying to save money, she greeted the doctor with a loud, "I'm back!"
He then proceeded to examine her.
"Very good," he said when he was finished. "Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time."