Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Q: Did you hear about the kidn...

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.

“My elderly aunt love...

“My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.”

Birthday surprise...

Jane was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it.

"I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied.

"He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

Black & White & Red

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: An embarassed zebra!

Future value

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here, is the check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."

Pirate visits bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.

The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

An idiot decided to start a ch...

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

Business One-liners 108

Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".

Submitted by Admin

Edited by Curtis

Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his

regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of

Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying

it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,

then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by Verlaine

Editted by Curtis

The doct...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy.

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure,
however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will
therefore have to pay.

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient.

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."

Robert Schmidt 05

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Two strands of DNA were walkin...

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

Random Thoughts

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times,do they become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called 'Poles,'why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

Making money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"