Jokes of the day for Monday, 01 September 2014

Q: Why do museums have old din...

Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
A: Because they cant afford new ones.

“When his wife demand...

“When his wife demanded that he give up polo, he decided to chukker.”

Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

Knock Knock Collection 134

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nana!
Nana who?
Nana you business!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Neal!
Neal who?
Neal and pray!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nebraska!
Nebraska who?
Nebraska girl for a date she might say yes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nettie!
Nettie who?
Nettie as a fruitcake!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nevada!
Nevada who?
Nevada saw you look so bad, you should be bed!

Non-Conformist

You can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because

he looks just like every other non-conformist.

---Anon

Snake Bite

I hope I'm not poisonous, says the first snake.
"Why?" asks the second snake.
"Because I just bit my lip."

All too rarely, airline attend...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Chuck Norris was originally ca...

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. I dont understand, whos that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I dont understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

Cow insults can be very hard t...

Cow insults can be very hard to diss heifer.

Forgot

I was going to do something, then i got distracted for 5 seconds and forgot.

Teacher and student

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Three men were talking about w...

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"