Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 November 2014
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 08 November 2014 |
A dentist noticed that his nex...
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put his gloves."Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Identity crisis...
![Identity crisis...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/Identity-crisis-.jpg.400.jpg)
A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
Rednecks Go Fishing
![Rednecks Go Fishing](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/Rednecks-Go-Fishing.jpg.400.jpg)
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
April Fool's Day Prank - Mix Reese Pieces...
![April Fool's Day Prank - Mix Reese Pieces...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/April-Fool-s-Day-Prank-Mix-Reese-Pieces-.jpg.400.jpg)
Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his."Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
Calm people are mellow
Calm people are mellow dramatic.After working most of her life...
![After working most of her life...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/After-working-most-of-her-life-.jpg.400.jpg)
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as herealized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, doyou realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
Yes, they help me sleep at night. "
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in thesethat could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I knowthat. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass oforange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believeme, it helps me sleep at night. "
You gotta love Grandmas!
The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding? What happened next?'"
Come On, Ride the Train
![Come On, Ride the Train](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/Come-On-2C-Ride-the-Train.jpg.400.jpg)
A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.
An old man goes into Victoria...
![An old man goes into Victoria...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/08/An-old-man-goes-into-Victoria-.jpg.400.jpg)
The bank robber look...
“The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a crook by his cover.”
How retired folks stay happy and occupied
![How retired folks stay happy and occupied](/jokes-archive/2014/11/06/How-retired-folks-stay-happy-and-occupied.jpg.400.jpg)
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
What does the starship enterpr...
![What does the starship enterpr...](/jokes-archive/2009/11/08/What-does-the-starship-enterpr-.jpg.400.jpg)
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?
![Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?](/jokes-archive/2010/11/08/Hari-Kondabolu-3A-Where-Are-You-From-3F.jpg.400.jpg)
The original title for Star Wa...
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.A golf challenge
![A golf challenge](/jokes-archive/2013/11/08/A-golf-challenge.jpg.400.jpg)
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."