Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 November 2014

This young man was elated when ...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.
“Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said.

“It's a clumsy refle...

“It's a clumsy reflection of yourself when you break a mirror.”

Who Is He

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo.

In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell

"No training is needed or you will be in danger"

The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful"

"Be very careful"

Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands

"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked

"NO, TRAINING"

"I can do it"

"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"

Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body.

The policeman yelled to the crowd, "Does anybody know this man?”

Quazimodo then answered, "No, but his face rings a bell"
 

Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

 Women Pump Gas Now

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 16, 1993
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men.
The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.

April Fool's Day Prank - Stock your refrigerator ...

Stock your refrigerator with a terrifying "head" in a jar.

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

Pray to end constipation: join...

Pray to end constipation: join amen turdship program.

Man: Whats your name?

Man: Whats your name?
Woman: Tammy
Man: You should change it to Campbells, cause you're mmm mmm GOOD!

Vermont Senator James Jeffords...

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze." - Jay Leno
"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." - Jon Stewart
"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." - Jay Leno

Hilarious Humor about the Irish

"And how's yer wife, Pat?"

"Sure, she do be awful sick."

"Is ut dangerous she is?"

"No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

A group of fathers are sitting

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!" Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom." All the other fathers say in unison, "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."
The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."
Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

Chuck Norris has the greatest ...

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Natasha Leggero: Dad and the Internet

My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.

Superman

My uncle had surgery and became a superman, and then the anesthetic wore off.