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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 01 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 01 January 2015

“The testimony at the

“The testimony at the barbershop is mostly hair-say.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

A drunken Irishman gets on a t

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk, "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"
#joke #christmas #newyear
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #57 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Eat pork?

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

#joke
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - Top 100 Viral Videos of 2014 by JukinVideo | Numbers 75-51

Top 100 Viral Videos of 2014 by JukinVideo | Numbers 75-51 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Sign on company bulleting boar...

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Funny Photo of the day - Teddy bear

Teddy bear - XXL size | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Try this...
On

Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Holey Ice Cubes

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass.

"Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"

"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan.

"Bin married to one fer fifteen years."

#joke
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Q: What's the difference betw

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."

#joke
  • Currently 8.13/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (46)

Such a crap day

I had such a crap day.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh..

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Grandmother started walking

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'

Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958-)

Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

 Choose A Punishment


A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2010
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (79)

Chuck Norris' credit cards hav...

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 January 2012
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (48)

Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements

I cant wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 January 2011
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (45)

Some of those pedophile priest...

Some of those pedophile priests must have misunderstood the pope's orders: anul sects.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2010
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (15)

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