Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 January 2015

“I asked a librarian

“I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.”

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

Lem: "I got fired from my job

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!"

Can you spell that?

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

 Tv

yo momma so fat that when she walked past the tv you missed 5mins of your show

Converting to the Society of Friends

Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!

A man and his wife were sittin...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

I'm reading an incredibly int

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down."
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...
I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but Icouldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your gardenbut it was full of crap.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of untiltomorrow....or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

Breast Exam Poem

For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My doctor found a lump.

She ordered up a mammogram,

To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close" she said.

As she got my boob in line,

"And tell me when it hurts" she said.

"Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate pressed down and down,

My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,

From way up under my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.

Within it's vice-like grip.

A prisoner in this viscous thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet she's never had this done,

Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how they come out!

Two prostitutes are standing o

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

One of the funniest vampire jokes

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour.After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth."what happened?" they asked."did you see that house over there?""yes?""well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!""wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

Then the eldest one takes the next turn"watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour.After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck."what happened??" they asked."did you see that village over there?""ye..yes?""well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!""wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one,"don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour.After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose."wh..what happened???" they asked."did you see that big ass tree over there?""ye..yes?!""well.. I didn't"

A sewage farm

'A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?'

Jack Dee (September 24 1961-)

Picture: Clara Molden

Pregnant Tree

How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Traffic lights camera
A...

Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Legal Sushi Bar

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. It's called, Sosumi.