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Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 January 2015

Clocks Can't Keep a Secret

Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock?

A: Time will tell.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Patton Oswalt - My Fitness Goal

My Fitness Goal: I would like I stop looking like I am wearing bulletproof vest all the time @PattonOswalt http://on.cc.com/1rtkHzr
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Stand-Up | Comedians | Stand-Up Comedy Videos | Comedy Central - omedy Central Stand-Up - over 10,000 funny stand-up videos, comedian tweets & jokes + the latest in stand-up news, stand-up specials, comedy tours & events
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

SLIDESHOW #3 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“After going litter p

“After going litter picking I found I was very knowledgeable in litterature.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - Funny ATV Fails from the JukinVideo Vault

Funny ATV Fails from the JukinVideo Vault - ATVs are supposedly safer than motorcycles, but this ATV fails compilation may prove otherwise. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Suffering from a bad case of t

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.
When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Beer opening - level genius

Beer opening - level genius - For the spoiled rich | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

 Knock Knock Collection 140


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Omar!
Omar live who?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Omega!
Omega who?
Omega best man win!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Omelet!
Omelet who?
Omelet'in you kiss me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze in charge round here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Opera!
Opera who?
Opera-tunity, and you thought opportunity only knocked once!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

An old man walks into a bar, s...

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
#joke #blonde #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

If your dog is fat, you aren'

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Would you please do me a favour?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

One day in the forest, 3 guys

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

old man goes to the Dr ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "

Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Reading a poem by Shakespeare

'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

Picture: Rex Features

#joke #short
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 January 2010
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (75)

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 January 2011
  • Currently 8.35/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (34)

The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The

interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top

of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 January 2014
  • Currently 7.37/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (35)

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 January 2014
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (25)

GIFTS FOR MEN

Here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after- shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 January 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (10)

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