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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 27 January 2015

I can no longer see my refrige

I can no longer see my refrigerator. I've gone cooler blind.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“I decided not to go

“I decided not to go to Pisa, but I was leaning towards it.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

SLIDESHOW #41 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A guy was lost on the Mall by

A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Department on?"
The cop answered: "Ours, I hope."
#joke #short #policeman
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Funny video of the day - Ed sheer-chins live lounge set part 2

Ed sheer-chins live lounge set part 2 - A guy named Shaun Solomon draws a face on his chin, aptly names it Ed Sheerchin, and sings along to Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’ - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

#joke
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Funny Photo of the day - Donkey basketball in the gym

Donkey basketball in the gym - Very good for the gym floor | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

 New Mexico Crazy Law


  • State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

    Carrizozo


  • It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

    Las Cruces


  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.

    #joke
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    The Pastor's Wife

    Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
    After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
    To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
    #joke
    Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 8.44/10

    Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

    It was dinner time on a Britis...

    It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers:
    - “Would you like dinner?”
    - “What are my choices?” asked the passenger.
    - “Yes or No,” replied the attendant.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 8.44/10

    Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

    A hunter was rushed into the e...

    A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
    The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
    "It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
    "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
    "Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
    #joke #doctor
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
    • Currently 8.23/10

    Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

    How To Speak Southern

    How To Speak Southern

    Hah Tu Spek Suthun)

    =======================

    BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

    Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

    JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of

    Florida.

    Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

    MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

    Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I

    aint herd from him in munts."

    IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

    Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

    RANCH - noun. A tool.

    Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup

    truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

    ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

    Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my

    pickup truck."

    FAR - noun. A conflagration.

    Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in

    my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

    BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

    Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and

    git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

    TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

    Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't

    git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

    TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

    Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do

    hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

    HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

    HOD - adverb. Not easy.

    Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

    RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

    Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

    TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

    Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are

    tarred."

    RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

    Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

    LOT - adjective. Luminescent.

    Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

    FARN - adjective. Not local.

    Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from

    some farn country."

    DID - adjective. Not alive.

    Usage: "He's did, Jim."

    EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in

    LA).

    Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

    BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

    Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

    JU-HERE - a question.

    Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy

    Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

    HAZE - a contraction.

    Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

    SEED - verb, past tense.

    VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.

    Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

    HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.

    Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

    GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

    Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

    #joke
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    After picking her son up from

    After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
    #joke
    Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    All parachutes are perfec

    Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

    Benny Hill (1924-1992)

    Picture: REX FEATURES

    #joke #short
    • Currently 8.33/10

    Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

    Pick-up line

    A man sees a gorgeous and sexy woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

    The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it." 

    #joke
    • Currently 4.25/10

    Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

    That's Some Sick Ship, Man

    Where does a ship go when it's sick?

    To the dock.

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Patton Oswalt: The Apocalypse

    Were probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know whats kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that Im wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 January 2011
    • Currently 2.06/10

    Rating: 2.1/10 (47)

    Bum Deodorant

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
    "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
    "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
    "Do you have the container it comes in?"
    "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
    The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
    "To apply, push up bottom."
    #joke #blonde
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 January 2010
    • Currently 6.55/10

    Rating: 6.6/10 (38)

    A male pastor walked into a ne...

    A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

    The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

    As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,

    "May I please use the restroom?"

    The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."

    "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

    "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

    "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

    So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

    After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

    He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

    "Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

    "You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 January 2010
    • Currently 5.38/10

    Rating: 5.4/10 (13)

    James Cameron wanted Chuck Nor...

    James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    #joke #short #chucknorris
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 January 2012
    • Currently 4.62/10

    Rating: 4.6/10 (13)

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