Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 February 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 February 2015 |
“Fifth columnists of
“Fifth columnists of the fourth estate rated third grade, play a second fiddle to conspirators with their first-hand information!”
A group of tourists was visiti
A group of tourists was visiting Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Behind the wheel...
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The 25 BBS Commandments
- Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
- Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
- Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
- Honor thy SysOp.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
- Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
- Thou shalt use the English language properly.
- Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
- Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
- Thou shalt help other users.
- Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
- Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
- Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
- Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
- Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
- Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
- If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
- Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
- Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
- Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
- Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
- Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
- Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
- Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
- Thou shalt not hack.
A new business was opening, an
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
There were three little boys v...
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Yo mama is so nasty
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
Yo momma is so fat when she sa
Yo momma is so fat when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.Men don't care what's on TV
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld (April 29 1954-)
Picture: REX FEATURES
The good news
A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.
The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."
The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."
The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"
The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."
Nuns confession
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"
With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."
Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
