Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 February 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 February 2015 |
The Job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.....The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Little Harold was practicing t
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
Sunday prayer...
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:
"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.
Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Finally he got to the food.
"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."
And then he paused.
The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.
Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
What Day Is That Day?
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
My husband quickly answered, "Election day."
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up?!
Kids' Bible Jokes
Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.
Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.
Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.
Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.
Pathologists always get the
Pathologists always get the coroner office. #joke #short
Do you know how to catch a squ
Do you know how to catch a squirrel?Climb a tree and act like a nut!
They met at the singles club m
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over timethat they enjoyed each other's company.After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out fordinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. Theyhad a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurantin town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have beengentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have takenoff my pantyhose.
Santa's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Slept with
An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."
Lost Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.
A man walking down the street ...
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher
My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didnt know that. He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.
