Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 July 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 July 2015 |
Not your business
My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.One day a little boy went to h
One day a little boy went to his mother and asked, "Mummy, what's a pussy?"A little shocked, his mother remained composed, went to the encyclopedia, opened to the Cs, and showed her son a picture of a cat. "That is a pussy."
"Oh", replied the boy. "Well, Mum, what's a bitch?"
Again the mother went to the encyclopedia, opened to the Ds, and showed her son a picture of a dog. "Son, this is a dog. A female dog is called a bitch."
The little boy sought confirmation from this father. "Dad, what's a pussy?"
His father went to the dresser drawer, pulled out an issue of PlayBoy and drew a circle. "Son, that's a pussy."
"Oh," replied the boy. "Well, what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside of the circle," replied his father.
“How did school go today? a
“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”It is with the saddest heart t
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon..Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
How was I born?
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Purchasing The Shoes
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
12 Days of Red-Neck Christmas
Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
Moths
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Passover Miracles for Moses?
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
The Baloonist
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'
Bad Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
D.L. Hughley: Police Following You
You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in. Marc Maron: Mathematical Cure for Jealousy
I used to be jealous; Im not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if youre jealous, its a cancer, its a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And Im not a math person at all, but Ive been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, Id like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- Im still winning. Internet addictions
Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Diagnostic Criteria
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(b) anxiety
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
