Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 August 2015

A newlywed couple was spending

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday, and they had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were alright. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were okay.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love," came the reply.
The old man responded, "I thought so. Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

Corn maze for ...

Corn maze for blondes!

Church Bulletin Bloopers

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

#joke #friday #animal #worm #food #lunch

Getting the queen of daytime T

Getting the queen of daytime TV to lose weight is a complicated Oprah ration.

A man walks into a piano store...

A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

One Sunday, in counting the mo...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinct ivepink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"

Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

 Recently Seen

Recently seen on a card...
Outside: We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...
Inside: ... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

Diet coke

Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

If you want to know who is rea...

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

I don't run from my problems

I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like all the other adults.

“The purpose of the I

“The purpose of the IT Service Department is to be a customer-server.”

The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"        

A New Set of Golf Clubs

Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."

Jim: "Great trade!"

Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark Attacks

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!

Your lips are so chapped, I ca...

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.

Real Advertisements 03

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When

she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game

piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and

instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She

continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress

decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor

homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:

"Win a bagel."