Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 August 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 29 August 2015 |
A man buys several sheep, hopi
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
A: 'Top o' the moaning!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Water will plunge over a cliff
Water will plunge over a cliff – True or Falls?Knock-knock.
Who's the
Knock-knock.Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Begin by standing on a comfort...
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
The trick...
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Answering Machine Message 84
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
Two guys are standing in line
Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."Friendship is
Friendship is,Secretly giving people nicknames so only we know who we are talking about, Always knowing what the other is thinking, Annoying each other and thoroughly enjoying it, Being each other's therapist, Sharing every little detail about every little thing, Not being able to wait to tell each other stuff, Never getting bored with each other's blabber.
“When it was hot and
“When it was hot and sunny I saw a line of blokes outside a hairdressers. I thought what a lovely day to have a barber queue!”
Quit Smoking
A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
The Gift
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
Put it back
What do you do in case of fallout?Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Emily Heller: Using Feminism
I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting. Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating
I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it. A blonde, a brunette and a red...
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
