Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 October 2015

200 Bucks

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.
The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"    

One word a year

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"

I'm struggling to c...

“I'm struggling to catch my breath while I'm struggling to lose my breadth.”

Only in America...

Only in America: We work hard on a farm so we can move into town, where we can make more money… so we can move back to the farm.

Why Karaoke is better than sex...

- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.

Bowling Team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Q: Did you hear abut the hungr

Q: Did you hear abut the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Three women: one engaged, one

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

 Answering Machine Message 230

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

Substitute at the Pearly Gates

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Mommy Mommy 13

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

---

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

Expanding universe

We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

Drone stuck in a tree

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

By Reddit User https://www.reddit.com/user/porichoygupto/