Jokes of the day for Thursday, 08 October 2015

I TOLD YOU...

I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

A man goes to get his salary c...

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by £2000.
He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.
At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by £2000.
Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque."
"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.
"It seems I've been underpaid by £2000."
"So?"
"No disrespect Sir, but I want my money."
"Last month I overpaid you by £2000 and you didn't complain so why now?"
"Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something."

“My daughter asked me

“My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.'”

The flight attendant was point

The flight attendant was pointing out to passengers that their seats could be removed and used as floatation devices. One woman, on her first flight, said, “I’d prefer to be sitting on a parachute!’

What happened? asked the hospital ...

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."
"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don’t stand up in the car!"

One Wish...

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?"

 A No-frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
   
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
   
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
   
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
   
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
   
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
   
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
   
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
   
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
   
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
    
11. No movie. Don't need one.
    
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
    
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
    
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
    

Enterprise

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus (your anus) in search of Klingons (cling-ons).

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

A couple is trying to have a b...

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

Hospital Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

Walking on Water

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."

Air & Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Blondes on a plane

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Jim Gaffigan: Wish I Was Ethnic

I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk.

Getting Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy: "are you feeling better now?"