Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 October 2015

Researchers for the Massach...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

Doctor: You have a broken leg,

Doctor: You have a broken leg, a broken arm, four fractured ribs, and probably a brain concussion. Are you in great pain?
Patient: Only when I laugh!

“What is the most non

“What is the most non-confrontational age of kids? When they benign.”

The Monastery on a Cliff

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

“What special skills do you

“What special skills do you have?” a company official asked a job applicant. “Well, none, actually,” admitted the applicant. We have several unskilled positions, but they’re all filled right now by the president’s relatives.”

The teacher noticed that Johnn...

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been day dreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention."Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? "Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'

5. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. 'Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- network charges' is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little 'M''s on them.

And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 Owning A New Pet Fish

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

Pirates in bar

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. One's got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, "how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?".

The first reply’s "arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark."

The second pirate is of course impressed, "aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'hook?"

The first reply’s "lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!".

"Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed.

"How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?".

"Well I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull" says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit right in me eye". In disbelief the second pirate says

"Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"

The first pirate replied: "Arr...first day wit me 'ook."

A blonde and a redhead have a...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"  

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs

Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

President Roosevelt once rode ...

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.

Paul F. Tompkins: Name in Print

I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; its pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.