Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 December 2015

“If zombies have to e

“If zombies have to eat brains, does that make them obligate cognivores?”

A man was sitting alone in his...

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you
made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Friendly Americans!

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.

Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

I should get promoted because

I should get promoted because I gave you a hot beverage. After all, I have seen your tea.

A man owned a small ranch in M

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Afghanistan threatens America

At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Ben Dover, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off Americas supply of convenience store managers.

The past, present, and future

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 15

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.

A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Paul F. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings

As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

Women and Bad Weather

Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.

From the Blonde Files – Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.

The Usual Question

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"