Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 March 2016

A doctor remarked on his patie...

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red complexion.
"I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure and it's from my family."
"Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor.
"Neither, my wife's side."
"What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be. How can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should meet them sometime!"

“To vulcanize is to b

“To vulcanize is to become like Spock.”

A Poisonous Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

I ate lots of beans. Now IR

I ate lots of beans. Now I'm like the Beach Boys, feeling the gut fibrations.

Little Zachary was doing poorl...

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary said, "No!"
"What was it?" she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Moral of the story....

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.

Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.

 He Is A Very Smart Dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

It's great to be a guy

Reasons why it's great to be a guy

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

You never have to clean the toilet.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

The National College Cheerleading Championship

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

Same work....more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

ESPN's sports center.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

Baywatch

There is always a game on somewhere.

Chicken coop doors

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.

Difference between a good girl and a bad girl

The only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with.

Special golf ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising

Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads.

Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising

Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked

I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.

Answering Machine Message 251

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.