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Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 August 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 August 2016

A tourist, visiting a small to

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

“When does a farmer d

“When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #20 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Walter Smith...

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

#joke
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

 The Biology Song 07


Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: "Away in a Manger")
Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe
It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night
Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - It was crazy hair day at work

It was crazy hair day at work | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

A Japanese company ( Toyota )

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India
Sadly, the End.
Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US
The last quarter's results:
Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

The Bum

Q: What does a bum call a dumpster.
A: Bed and Breakfast.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

Animated GIF - Escapement

Escapement - Escapement - link to page gif is posted initially.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Tig: Where Would You Go?

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and hes hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? And I was like, Anywhere? He was like, Anywhere. I was like, Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 August 2010
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (48)

Barbie and Paris

Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 August 2013
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (43)

Blonde Light

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 August 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

Brenda, pregnant with her firs...

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Cowboys secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

#joke
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (22)

The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.21/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (33)

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2010
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

Stairs

Me: and this is my house

Friend: what’s upstairs

Me: stairs don’t talk

Found on tweeter, posted by @fishbowel on 8th Sep 2018

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind

#joke #HuganAustralianDay
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

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