Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Adam was walking around the Ga

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

A married friend told me, he i...

A married friend told me, he is working on Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics under constrained environment....
I was impressed...
On further probing, I learnt that he is washing dishes with hot water ...
Under his wife's supervision...!!

Now that they allow...

“Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker.”

You're doing just fine w...

You're doing just fine without an Irish accent. If it ain't brogue don't fix it.

Rhythm of the church bells...

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

 The Plane Is Crashing Into The Ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

A farmer has three sons. One d...

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a...

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Modern Science

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could

help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

John Mulaney: Benchwarmer Humiliation

I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then theyre just pants.

Church members...

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Two old married men chatting i...

Two old married men chatting in a bar.
First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?"
The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery."

Government Employee

A United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!"

He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

I wasn't originally...

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”