Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 September 2016

There was man from a country k

There was man from a country known for having a large population have trannys, because of his age he thought it would be a good idea to get a prostate exam. So he arrives for his appointment and the nurse calls him in, she tells him to undress and put on the gown and the doctor would be in shortly.
The doctor comes in and she proceeds to give the man his exam and tells him, "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this type of exam."
The man says, "I don't have an erection!"
The doctor says, "I do."

Cast the first stone

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Offer Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

Jimmy Carr: Teasing

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

“Fan of musical puns,

“Fan of musical puns, Aria?”

Upon arriving home, a husband...

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Chuck Norris listens to "Requi...

Chuck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats pancakes.

Dating a Nun

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover

Sticks and stones may break yo...

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

The last word

Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument sometimes.

Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

Golf in Heaven

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

High seas

I don't like the high seas. If I ever went on a pirate ship, they would clock me in the groin, and call me ‘gland clubber!‘

A friend tried to ma...

“A friend tried to make me say animal puns today but I thought they were boaring.”