Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 October 2016
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 October 2016 |
Doc, you've got to help my husband...
![Doc, you've got to help my husband...](/jokes-archive/2016/10/26/Doc-2C-you-27ve-got-to-help-my-husband-.jpg.400.jpg)
"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."
"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."
“Children who fail th
“Children who fail their coloring exams always need a shoulder to crayon.”
No room at the inn
![No room at the inn](/jokes-archive/2016/10/26/No-room-at-the-inn.jpg.400.jpg)
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me."
Too Much Hunting
![Too Much Hunting](/jokes-archive/2016/10/25/Too-Much-Hunting.jpg.400.jpg)
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...
![YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...](/jokes-archive/2015/04/29/YOU-know-you-need-a-Different-Lawyer-.jpg.400.jpg)
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Once upon a time there was a n...
![Once upon a time there was a n...](/jokes-archive/2009/10/26/Once-upon-a-time-there-was-a-n-.jpg.400.jpg)
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...
![Chuck Norris does the Sunday N...](/jokes-archive/2011/10/26/Chuck-Norris-does-the-Sunday-N-.jpg.400.jpg)
Forgive Me Father
![Forgive Me Father](/jokes-archive/2011/10/26/Forgive-Me-Father.gif.400.jpg)
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Jobs at the food company...
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.
After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.
The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.
Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.
The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.
The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.
The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.
The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
Benefits of the Revival
![Benefits of the Revival](/jokes-archive/2010/10/26/Benefits-of-the-Revival.jpg.400.jpg)
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Emily Heller: Using Feminism
![Emily Heller: Using Feminism](/jokes-archive/2012/08/29/Emily-Heller-3A-Using-Feminism.jpg.400.jpg)
7 short jokes for a good Tuesday
![7 short jokes for a good Tuesday](/jokes-archive/2024/02/20/7-short-jokes-for-a-good-Tuesday.png.400.jpg)
I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.
I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."
My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.
Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!
What happened?
![What happened?](/jokes-archive/2017/12/09/What-happened-3F.jpg.400.jpg)
"Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"