Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 November 2016

I got a job in the t...

“I got a job in the transmission shop. It's shift work.”

An important and very well pub...

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session.
He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

The bad news...

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

An Elephant And Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Don't drill through your

Don't drill through your skull! It will bore you out of your mind

The flood of Trump-fearing Ame

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across theborder into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.
Trump’s victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens ofsociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywoodproducer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer RedGreenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-rangechicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakersthat blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck theirfingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularlyconcerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, wherethey are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," anAlberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a singlebottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. Allthey had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, oftenwailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-educationcamps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study theConstitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants arecreating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the BarbaraStreisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloadingjazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economyjust can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, howmany art-history majors does one country need?"

Three old men were sitting aro...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

An old, tired-looking dog wand...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Sergeants

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

A lawyer was cross-examining t...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Vince Morris: Pulled Over as a Passenger

Being pulled over is no joke. Its scary, but you know whats even worse? Being a passenger in your friends car when they get pulled over. Thats when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your seat. Im wearing a wig, and weve got a dead body in the trunk.

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme...

A few more related pun's:

To be pharaoh, it worked.(isolophobichermit of reddit user)

Pharoah 'nough.(kishenoy reddit user)

Joke found on kneeslappingjokes.blogspot.com , Submitted September 20, 2018 by TacoNumeroJuan

Photo: Bild von Tammy Cuff auf Pixabay

It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

One day two blind men started...

One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 quid on the one with the knife."
Both men ran away.

A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."