Jokes of the day for Friday, 18 November 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 18 November 2016 |
“I wanted to buy my w
“I wanted to buy my wife some fancy soap, but she would not have a bar of it.”
A woman came to the hospital t...
A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine."
Cowboys secret
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Which motorcycle gang inflicts...
Which motorcycle gang inflicts damage via paper cuts? - The Bandaidos.
Question Answer 03
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michae...
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.r>r> This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. r>r> Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: r>r> "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." Donald Glover: Crazy Men Stories
Why dont women have crazy men stories? I dont really hear them. And then I realized, its because if you got a crazy boyfriend, youre going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize theyre crazy, its like, Time to kill everything I love. The End Is Near!
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Donald Glover: Gold Star Power
When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word. Tourists
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
What Do You Have?
Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"
A man has to leave the country...
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
