Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 November 2016

Why don't some coup...

“Why don't some couples go to the gym?
- Because some relationships don't work out.”

Judge to prospective juror...

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"
"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."
"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

White hairs

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

When the dictator of North Kor...

When the dictator of North Korea had a sex change, he also changed his name: Kim Un Hung.

* You dance and it makes the b

* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" 

Three Blonds On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

An Irishman is walking along t...

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

Jo Koy: My Inspiration

A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. Its also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

Hari Kondabolu: Vegan Thanksgiving

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And its not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- thats just spitting on the graves, isnt it?

Knock-knock...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

Lost credit card

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

When You Go

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.

Stop smoking

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?

Fill his water bed with gasoline.

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is...

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...
Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."